Sunbeams Are Not Made Of Me
by with-one-r
Summary: We all have a debt to pay. Spoilers and AU for Mockingjay. **It looks like G/K right now but don't worry, it'll be P/K soon. It just takes her a while. I'm trying to follow the story as much as possible, even if it's AU too.
1. Sunbeams Are Not Made Of Me

Sunbeams Are Not Made Of Me

Katniss could still remember the rough slid of his hand across her hips, the taste of ash and blood thick on his lips. The chaotic fragments of her memories, some faded and almost gone, others painfully clear. The throaty groan and a hard bite on her scared shoulder, her finger digging into his spine, blood under the nails, much too rough. Restitution for the dead, really, and he understood the debt they'd never repay.

She lies, and the guilt almost kills her, and then she remembers its not just her anymore, its her and the squirming, helpless soul inside. She prays the baby looks like Prim so that no one will know, no one can know. Peeta just holds her at night and waits for the shaking to stop. He never says it, even though he knows. She can't seem to get the taste of blood and ash from her mouth.

Gale only sees her once, and her belly is all round, her pelvis almost cracking under the weight because the kid is so huge and strong. She's got two broken ribs and she takes it as a sign, her penance. He doesn't say a word; his eyebrows knitted together and coal dust still on his fingernails even though thirteen doesn't mine. She remembers how it had gotten all over her hips, and had still been a little grey after her shower. He's only in the infirmary because the stitches from his shrapnel wound opened up. She's walking by because Peeta insists its good for the baby and she can still feel his eyes on her back when she's back in her room.

When she comes into the world its wet and agonizing and heartbreakingly terrifying, all dark hair and grey eyes and big, her cries echoing off the concrete walls, her horror of this broken world scraping down Katniss's spine.

Peeta holds her first and she fusses, her eyes turning cobalt blue. Katniss cries.

They name her Hattie. Katniss silently adds that it's for Gale's mother. It's only right. Her daughter is the retribution of her sins.


	2. Falling Off The Edge

Falling Off The Edge

Hattie's still learning how to use her legs and arms when they send me into battle for the propros and I keep looking at the children in the hospital and seeing her. People ask for her name and give me warm smiles. I hold Gale's hand and he doesn't say anything. My stomach rolls and I remember how Peeta looks at his daughter, holding her like she's a life raft saving him from the nightmares. Then I remember Snow and how he'd looked at me, shaking his head, and I know it's not enough. It will never be enough.

I don't want this for her, the fear, the terror that maybe she won't live to see the next morning. I fight for her life and knowing that is the only thing keeping me from heaving up my guilt when the hospital burns.

Gale has refused to speak to me in these last few weeks and going to twelve, sitting together in our spot, holding him only makes the space between us larger, more final. Hattie's there, kicking up a storm and grabbing for anything in reach, sticks, rocks and leaves have to be rescued from her lips.

In the middle of a tantrum, Gale reaches out and tucks her into his arms and everything goes quiet for a moment. I know that this lie is pointless. We're free from the Capital. But there's still a war. There's still the possibility that we might lose and then they'd take her from me. They'd take her and if they didn't kill her they'd turn her into a plaything, a monster for their entertainment. I keep my mouth shut and Gale only looks at me for a moment before we realize we're filming and its time to put back on a brave face and show the districts we can win this fight.

Gale hands her back when we're in the hovercraft again and Peeta just bits his lip and does his best to placate her. When we're back in thirteen, Gale can't seem to get away quick enough. I can see the storm before me gathering, my sins catching up to me finally. I know it's only fair. I've taken everything from him. He'll take everything from me soon. It's just what I deserve.

It's one in the morning and Hattie's having trouble sleeping. Peeta had gone to get Prim and I still couldn't get used to holding my daughter. She was an alien being, love and horror pulsing through my veins as I rock her. Too young. Too young. My hips beat out the words. The door opens behind me and I turn for Prim but its Gale, tall and half dressed with ragged scars across his left shoulder and down to his heart. He takes her from me and I wait for him to start shouting. I wait for the attack. But he just holds her and reaches out to hold me.

With his forehead on mine and our daughter sleeping between our bodies, he whispers that he understands and loves me and kisses me once, twice, three times before kissing Hattie on the forehead and placing her in her makeshift bed.

It's worse, his love. It's a pain worse then physical, worse then the guilt from the games. It's the pain of an acceptance I don't deserve.


End file.
